Transforming Myself

    Yeah, most of this post is going to seem a little cheesy, but which of my more serious posts aren't?  Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about my personality type and how everyone else reacts and responds to me.  So many aspects of my life are unhealthy and/or undeveloped enough for everyday normal life.  Even after two trips to the emergency room, I still haven't been able to make any significant long-term changes in my life.  Am I just lazy?  Yeah.  My only real motivation has been the act of searching for something to motivate me.  There are so many options out there and I keep researching every single one.  After a thorough investigation into every motivational topic I find, I rationalize how they might be useless or obsolete.  Basically what it all boils down to is that I am afraid of committing to any long-term endeavor; even if it is something that can better myself.

    I don't want to wait until I'm sent to the emergency room again for massive internal bleeding to do something about not only my health, but my way of living.  I need to transform myself.  Do I have the will power to do so?  I'm not sure, but I am seriously going to find out.

Out of Touch with Reality or Just Old Fashioned?

    Are my interests only common with a few select people in the world or have I just lost touch with the reality of today's society?  Maybe I ask myself too many questions, but this one seems to be a common one among my ponderous internal dialog.  Dressed in black topped with a nice Stetson fedora, I write this blog post.  Though fedoras are long out of style, as I sit here at Borders bookstore there are a couple of girls wearing fedoras as well.  It's nice to know I'm not the only one who likes a little style.  Now I know I'm not completely old fashioned, right?  I suppose if I lived in a bigger city I might see more people wearing them.  What's funny is that after living here in Pleasanton for four years now it is turning into another Oakdale for me.  That's a bit of an esoteric statement, but I know some friends that would understand once they read this.  It will have to remain esoteric for now since it would take too long to explain growing up in Oakdale.  When I moved here to Pleasanton/Dublin/Tri Valley/East Bay/Whatever-you-want-to-call-this-place, I loved it.  This is a place that has a lot more variety and things to do here.  Now, after four years this place has seemed to have shrunk down in my mind.  Maybe I should move to a bigger city.  San Francisco?  New York?  Ahh, who am I kidding.  I just need to get out more.  Will that integrate me more with society?  I damn well hope so.

Pushing the Norm

    No, I'm not talking about George Wendt.  You know, I've been thinking about how long I've been keeping a sort of running dialog both by writing them on paper and passing them through my brain.  When I do, I realize it's been running on twelve years now.  I first started jotting down my thoughts using a word processor on an old Atari 800 XL and saving them to disk (5 1/4" floppies, that's old school, man!).  Now, being the 21st century and all, I keep a somewhat censored side of my thoughts here on my blog.  Why?  Well, I guess mostly in part that it keeps me from going insane or worse, having a complete psychotic breakdown.  Ok, that's kind of extreme, right?  Well, maybe not.  I'm not sure.

    I'm just stuck in another rut, mainly.  Doing the same thing everyday gets to me after awhile.  Maybe I should take another week of vacation.  But what would I do?  I need to find a way to break out of my normal routine and do something new for a change.  Any suggestions?

I thought about doing the following...

• Taking a roadtrip and snapping some photos.
• Try a Zen meditation day trip over at Green Gulch
• Go try the Full Moon Feast at Three Stone Hearth in Berkeley
• Stroll through the embarcadero and pier 39 in San Francisco

Sounds fun, huh?